The Brutal Man

I am a brutal man. . . agonizingly affectionate, coldly caring, deadly debonair, fiercly foolish, horrifyingly handsome, intensely idealistic, painfully passionate, torturously tender . . . and a zealous zombie. My brutality boggles benumbed brains, my secular spirituality sears sensitive souls,while my impotent sensuality soothes sterile hearts. . . All the while I fumble along fashioning fantasies of freedom, exploring exits from the limited access freeways of ignorance, gingerely masking my nose from the stench of luxury, gasping for the fresh air of verdant valleys lush with poverty, burgeoning with the sick and the hungry. I twist and turn, writhe and convulse raging against rationality, rebelling against reason until I collapse againt the brick wall of faith, as torniquets of tradition choke my courage. Impaled on the stakes of reality my mind oozes the purple blood of passivity, as my heart wearily moans out yet another primal scream. I wonder what it would be like to have sex after so many years of celibacy? How different or similar the experience would be from the last time I held a woman in my arms and felt her passionate response to my presence. I feel as if I've developed some kind of sexual antibodies that give off a vapor which dampens or kills the sexuality of anyone I touch. Of course the potency of this vaccine against sexual perception is magnified by my "brotherly" air which seems to provide alluvial soil for breeding the antibodies. Either that or I just spend so much time controlling my sexual instinct that I've probably forgotten how to use its basic features. Hey maybe I'm just too old for sex! Too jaded, too blase' too tired . . .

Raja

DARE TO DREAM

I can no longer live a half-hearted life: Doubting my deepest desires, Hesitant to follow my dreams, Or afraid to discover my greatness. I may have an endless stream of questions: Am I worthy? Will I fail? Do I have what it takes? Will I be left alone, and with nothing? The truth is, this can only happen If I don't follow my dreams. For what is more distressing than a dream That might have been? What causes more regret than the sorrow of never having risked? And what could be lonelier than living the Life of somebody else? I was born to move boldly towards my Highest dreams, Bring my most cherished desires to life. There is a voice inside of me that proclaims: I am here to express who I really am! I am here to love and be loved! I am here to be fully alive! I am here to make a difference in this world! I will wait no longer. Have I forgotten that my deepest dreams arise From a Great Source within me that longs To fulfill them? Remembering this, I leap courageously Into the unknown with faith; Bringing my dreams to life, and inspiring Others to do the same.

Diana Loomans

NAMING CEREMONY

On my birthday I had a great "naming" ceremony and I was totally excited when over 100 friends, my parents and my brother came. I had two minister friends there to do the ceremony and it was a great time. I consider myself a very spiritual person and I felt the need to proclaim to everyone in a "church" setting I had a right to be ME and that God was certainly loving and accepting of me. I am not telling this to you for any reason other than to let you know that there are those that are understanding, welcoming, loving and supportive of people in transition. It is a message of hope. I want to share with you what I wrote to share with them as all of them had known me in my former body and name. I think it made the transition much smoother for them and it is truly how I see my life. I have emerged into my "male persona" but I realize I cannot erase my past nor do I want to...to me it is important to understand I am a culmination of female, male and everything in between on the gender scale. "I ask you not to grieve for the little girl or the woman you feel is gone, she is safely tucked away inside my heart. She has given me 46 years of understanding the "nurturing side" of life, she keeps me on the side of feminist issues and understanding feelings. She will always be with each of us in spirit. I do ask that you celebrate the man you see standing before you, celebrate his finding his way out from behind the bars that kept him prisoner. Get to know this man as he stands in his convictions, understand that he now loves himself enough to love others. See him stand for what he knows is right and just in this world. Appreciate this man for all of his qualities, love him despite his mistakes, nurture him, allow him to prove to you he has taken this "wilderness journey" and has become a better man for the journey." Thank you for indulging me and I hope someone gains hope from it. I am proud of who I have been and who I have become. I wish the same for each person on who reads this.

Keeping the Faith, Jaron

When I first came out which was in the middle sixties, a friend took me to a place called Anna’s in Silverback. I was only 17 and we walked in and there was this absolutely handsome guy behind the bar. There was something about him that made me lose my breath when my friend introduced us. Then he took my hand and looked in my eyes. I just Melted... I had never met anyone who affected me the way he did. We had gone there to find a friend of hers and I had no clue that this was a Gay Coffeehouse that we had gone to. When we left, I mentioned to her that he was awfully handsome and so were a lot of the other guys that were there. She told me that he was a she. I was so naïve at the time and that shocked me. How could this guy be a she. He was too male to be a she... I kept thinking about him and just couldn't get him off of my mind, and so about a week later, I went back to the bar, and he remembered me. We talked in between him working and after he got off, we went to an all night coffee house and talked. I finally asked him why my friend would tell me that he was a she when it was so obvious that he was a guy. He laughed at me, and said "your friend was right, I am trapped in a female body, but I’m very much a male". I knew nothing about gay, queer, FTM, or anything... He loved my innocence and he and I ended up being together for quite a while... This was my first experience with an FTM. We didn’t know a whole lot in those days, but there was a difference. He was never a butch, he was a guy. He dressed as a man, he sounded like a man, he passed as a man and yet he had the gentleness, and the understanding and compassion that drew me to him and to this day we are still very connected.

*Emerald

Oceans 2
I used to dream about oceans, you know, the big seas Not the little sea washing around my island's feet. But the big sea. the ocean, that swept all around the world having touched the sands of continents. I stood at the edge of the sea, a small child I used to sing into the sea's roar I shouted my songs at the sea I spent many hours writing on slates with pebbles and left my slates propped against the cliffs knowing the words would be washed away. I made up those songs and wondered when I would came back and look for those slates again. I didn't realise I would never come back but that I'd just find myself writing words for ladies who'd never seen a small strange boy skimming stones on a beach in Devon with the wind still blowing. With the wind still blowing and me still singing.
-- Jasper --

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